Victory is sweet!

IM GOING TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I'M DONE WITH HIGHSCHOOL FOREVERRR!!! NO MORE OF THIS WILL I HAVE TO ENDURE. NO MORE BEING STUFFED IN A BOX FEELING INVISIBLE OR LIKE I DON'T MATTER. THIS ISN'T TO SAY THAT I WILL NEVER FEEL LONELY AGAIN, BUT NOT LIKE THIS. NOT WITH PEOPLE I'VE BEEN RIGHT BESIDE FOR NINE YEARS IN THE SAME PLACE. THIS IS A NEW BEGINNING FOR ME. SO MANY MORE OPPORTUNITIES AWAIT. IM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! HALLELUJAH !!

Five more days. Wait, what?

Five. More. Days. And just ten minutes or so left of class. I'm trying to fill it up with pressing keys on a keyboard. Just to look busy. There isn't a single bit of fear lurking inside of me at all. I prayed and prayed at the beginning of this year that I would feel ready to leave when the time came. Prayer answered! Times a hundred! I've never been more ready to leave this place in the nine years or so that I've been here, and there have been some rough times. I'm leaving without a reputation (better than a bad one), without any mark on this place at all. I think that's the only thing I would change about my time here. I don't wish I had been a track star or in student government, or honor-student. I just wish I had left some sort of a mark. I know who I am, but I never showed who I was to anyone else. My identity should be in Christ, and that's what I slipped up on. I bet very few could tell. You should never keep him to yourself, he is meant to be shared. (five more minutes) Well, I guess it's never too late, I still have five more days to do something about it. I just have no clue as to how I would do that.

Ships and shoes and ceiling wax

Well, this is second period. It comes right after first, imagine that. The class is gradually deteriorating me from the inside out. It's the people in there. I'm sucked into a hurricane of angry girls- one trying to talk over the other, one upset, one not helping the situation, and one ruling the situation. Then there's the cameo appearance by the person who seems to be the start of the situation. I DON'T CARE. Then there's the other table. A table that makes me think I have never been so openly hated before in my life. Or at least since the second grade. I'm really past hating this person. I'm done with it, and I'm sorry for all that I have done to make them think of me that way. I deserve it I know, but dragging your side kick along for the ride is rather immature. Maybe I'm looking too much into this, but I can't think of any other emotion that this person could have towards me. I was an immature idiot. There, it's not that hard for me to admit anymore. Then the table next to me. Loud, making fun of one person mercilessly (for good reason, but still). I'm so done with this. I am a senior for crying out loud, come on! I shouldn't feel like this, I shouldn't let the fact that all these people are retarded effect the way I go about my day. Sure, I'm lonely, I hate this place for all it's worth, every single brick that forms the building I sit in makes me cringe- but I'm almost done. Next week is my last week. The last reign of terror this place has over me. I feel so marked. No one knows. No one knows that I have changed, but I'm not different. No one knows that I'm lonely (even though I've told them a hundred times). No one knows why I hang out with certain people. No one knows that it might be because I see some potential in them. I'm just me, and I'm good with that. It's the fact that people here aren't. If it's not ok to be me here, than I want no part of it. Who else am I supposed to be? Whoever it is, it's a person I wouldn't like very much. Here I've had regrets, and things that I would never take back. And sometimes they are the same thing.

Next year I'm going away to a new place, so is everyone else wherever it is. And I will be one to not have much that I'm leaving behind. I don't have twenty friends tying me back that I have to cut loose. Next year for me is a complete re-do of what I'm leaving. High school was literally a practice run. I didn't do so well at it but maybe this time it will be better. New people, and a place I really belong in. I never belonged here, I just wish someone could understand that. Even the people I've considered to be my "best" friends just don't get it. That's ok though, maybe when they don't have this cpa box obstructing their vision they will understand.

Thursday survival tecniques

Thursday. Yep, that's right. I've made it over the crest of the week. I'm on the downward slant. But why am I not moving any faster? Let's see, what has happened so far today...oh yes how could I forget. I got a D on an Ecology test. If you know anything about that class you can't help but laugh. You almost have to try to get a bad grade, and yet I managed! When you are on the verge of insanity you have to be creative in the ways you get by. I don't know how nearly failing a test serves that purpose, but that's alright. After my freak out of a day yesterday I was hoping to have a nice, successful ride on my horse. No, nope, wasn't gonna happen. He had other ideas going through that little brain of his. I just have to shake it off. But, with just a month until our next show it is a little bit discouraging. We will manage.

I'm slightly less on edge today, but I think it's my lack of sleep and exhaustion from yesterday. Who knew doing nothing could take such a toll on your body? I'm wiped out from freaking out. That's just sad. There's no other way to say it. Now I actually have nothing I haven't already ranted about. The people around me, the teachers, the sick and twisted routine called school. Nothing. I'm tired. There. That's about it. I almost made it to school before the bell rang today, that's a first. I could actually hear it ring while I was walking up to the school.

Well the same thing I feel all the time here is misunderstood and misperceived. People don't typically ask my opinion because they have a misperception about what kind of person I am, and people that know we well misunderstand me as being negative and hateful towards our school just out of spite. What they don't realize is that my attitude toward this place has very little to do with the place itself. This isn't my place. I don't belong here, and I don't really fit in. I'm not some little elementary school kid sitting by themselves at lunch because they don't fit in with the popular kids, and I don't feel sorry for myself. And I know I'm supposed to be here, I just don't belong here. Once I try to explain myself, a lot of people just tune me out like "here we go again, she's just ranting about how much she hates this place." This is where the misunderstanding comes in. And about 98% of the people here think that I'm shy and quiet. The funny thing is, I'm not shy or quiet or reserved anywhere else but here. Anywhere else I go I'm more outgoing, I introduce myself, and I start conversation. Here, I just feel shut up. Like when I want to say something, I feel this overwhelming, forceful something saying, "Shut up". That's why I feel so trapped being here everyday. I can't be myself! No one knows who I am and they have seen me walk these halls for years most likely with an unhappy look on my face. I couldn't count how many times complete strangers have come up to me and asked me if everything was ok. "Are you ok?" Thanks for asking, but I'm fine! What look am I supposed to have on my face when nothing is influencing my facial muscles in a positive way. No one told me something funny, no one came up and talked to me to just chat. I'm basically on a conveyor belt going to my next class. This is why I "hate this school", sure there are a lot of things I disagree with here and think are ridiculous, but that's not why I'm so miserable. No one is reading this that this applies to unfortunately, but for you, the invisible one that is not reading, here's this: Picture yourself in a place (or school) where you have been in the same group of friends since the fourth grade. You are now a senior. Now picture you not having a scrap of anything in common with these people, they don't include you much in conversation, you don't feel that you can really hang out with them outside of school, they are always laughing, but you never are, you might say something but are immediately cut off by someone else that has the crowd's attention, whenever they hang out-you are not there. But. You have found out that the college you will be attending has everything you have been looking for and more. You found two of the best roommates you could get, and your really excited. Now whenever you say "I just want to graduate!" These same classmates roll their eyes and think you are being negative. Again, I don't feel sorry for myself. There is soo much more to live for than highschool. I know that I just have to be patient, and my time will come where I can thrive in the place I belong. It feels good to get all this out, but not good to know that no one of consequence will read it. It almost feels as if it's not worth it anymore. Like I've tried to get along with these people and become friends, but if my efforts haven't stuck for the 9 years I've been here, then what else am I supposed to do? The bell rang. 14 school days left.

Well, guess what. I'm even more antsy than the day before. I can't stop moving. Whether it's my leg bobbing up and down, my fingers nervously tapping the desk in front of me, or shifting my weight in my chair. I'm going insane! It's official. This uniform I'm wearing feels like a striped prison suit. I'm a convict of my surroundings. What on earth did I do to deserve this?! I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. (My leg is bobbing faster as I type this). I feel literally constricted; That's not a metaphor, it's not fancy writing, and it's not the typical way of writing on a blog to make you sound like a great author. I literally feel constricted! It doesn't feel right on my skin, the purple plaid is giving me vertigo (that's a bit of an exaggeration), this oxford shirt is making me feel like it's going to give me some sort of rash. What is this fabric?! It can't be cotton, I can't breathe in it. I can't move in it. If I tuck it in like I'm supposed to it looks like I have a parachute emerging from the back of my skirt. This isn't normal! Cruel and unusual punishment is what this is! We are all rats in a laboratory trained to move to a certain destination at the sound of a BELL. Who thought of this? And Why?! Why have we obeyed for 13 years? I just feel relieved that I haven't been here for 13 years. If I'm going insane now, what would become of me? I'm just upset that I only have this one class to express these feelings in! Doesn't this sound like I'm going insane? GOOD, because I am! Why are other people in here doing work? There are more important things to consider! Like the fact that we are being held hostage by the teachers against our will! It's a conspiracy! Help! Let me out! I'm going crazy! Homework, are you kidding me? These people must have been brainwashed. That's it. That's what those videos were that we watched in English class. And I was dumb enough to think it was a learning experience! Look at what this place has done to me! I don't even know what time we get out of this class! I hate not knowing! I reeeally have the urge to throw something at someone! Why has this overwhelming feeling come? All I have is a jacket. Would that make much of an impact or would it just look stupid? I have to end this.

Ok, regrouping now, we have 15 days of school left. That's three and a half weeks. I think I'm going to be sick.

That's 23 days total. I just don't even know if that's physically possible.

Moving on

With 19 school days left time is starting to drag. This past weekend We went to Savannah, Georgia. Home of Savannah College of Art and Design. For me at least, that is my new home. This is where We will be attending college starting this fall. School just doesn't even seem worth it anymore. What is high school? It's such a fake land, like "Life Miniature" or something. I have no ties here anymore. The routine of waking up, forcing your unwilling body to emerge from your warm bed, trying to motivate every step you take finally ending up at school, finding yourself late, moving throughout the day having looked at the clock 15,236,987 times just waiting for the final bell to ring. Leaving school you wonder why you even went in the first place. What did you learn? Who influenced you at all? Anyone? This mundane, rotating sequence of events is making my mind dizzy. The only thing I see now is my one way ticket out of here. Without interacting with many peers along the way I only have God to keep me going. I just grab his hand and he picks me up and tries to encourage my feet to move one in front of the other. It seriously is like a wobbly toddler trying to walk from one parent to the next across the living room floor.

Coming back from this tiring, yet rewarding weekend, I find myself set apart from my surroundings. Girls looking this way and that making sure there is at least one guy with an eye on her, the naive giggling and practically valley-girl talk, guys shoving each other into lockers running over unsuspecting freshman. The list goes on. I'm done with this. If only the people walking these halls could see themselves. Would they see what I see? Such a disregard for everything going on in our world. The world outside these walls mean practically nothing. They have prom to think about, and oh no I have a paper to write. Wake up. But it's not really their fault after all. Thirteen years, or slightly less have trained them up to be this way.

This blog was seriously to be made to procrastinate and highlight how bored we were. But after this weekend all I can do is look at that clock for the 15,236,988th time waiting for the bell to ring.

PROCRASTINATING: an art

Soo, it's study hall. A time given to complete work. WRONG. A time to sit at a computer as we are doing now to pass the time away. We, I, and She have made this blog to make our last days in these halls a time to fly by. As seniors we officially done. Although we have been "done" for years, we can now put a name to it "senior slide". That sounds so weak compared to what really lies within our unwilling brains.

Some adjectives to give you an idea: bored, frustrated, fed-up, (this isn't an adjective per-say, but my book flew out of my locker and attacked me), this is how it went down- I approached the locker ready to dispose of any evidence of my last class, I tossed to book into my locker fully expecting it to lie flat amongst the only other book in there, when unexpectedly it bounced out of my locker with impressive height and speed and landed on my toe. That is my day. Luckily She was there to witness the fact that it was out to get me, and no, books don't just do that.

Now we are experiencing first hand, a shushing from our favorite Book Worm. She really motivates Us to keep moving forward... and we are sitting here contemplating whether signing in really is going to be a determining factor of the end of the world. With us sitting here at the computer, the end might be nearer than most expected. (Signing in: v. an act of writing your name on a piece of paper stating that you are in fact, the one sitting in full view of the librarian)

With the countdown still in full effect- we have 21 minutes of class left.

- 31 days until we say goodbye to this ol' place

- 23 days of school left

The countdown will be updated: our goal is May 7, if we make it there we can conquer anything.