Thursday survival tecniques

Thursday. Yep, that's right. I've made it over the crest of the week. I'm on the downward slant. But why am I not moving any faster? Let's see, what has happened so far today...oh yes how could I forget. I got a D on an Ecology test. If you know anything about that class you can't help but laugh. You almost have to try to get a bad grade, and yet I managed! When you are on the verge of insanity you have to be creative in the ways you get by. I don't know how nearly failing a test serves that purpose, but that's alright. After my freak out of a day yesterday I was hoping to have a nice, successful ride on my horse. No, nope, wasn't gonna happen. He had other ideas going through that little brain of his. I just have to shake it off. But, with just a month until our next show it is a little bit discouraging. We will manage.

I'm slightly less on edge today, but I think it's my lack of sleep and exhaustion from yesterday. Who knew doing nothing could take such a toll on your body? I'm wiped out from freaking out. That's just sad. There's no other way to say it. Now I actually have nothing I haven't already ranted about. The people around me, the teachers, the sick and twisted routine called school. Nothing. I'm tired. There. That's about it. I almost made it to school before the bell rang today, that's a first. I could actually hear it ring while I was walking up to the school.

Well the same thing I feel all the time here is misunderstood and misperceived. People don't typically ask my opinion because they have a misperception about what kind of person I am, and people that know we well misunderstand me as being negative and hateful towards our school just out of spite. What they don't realize is that my attitude toward this place has very little to do with the place itself. This isn't my place. I don't belong here, and I don't really fit in. I'm not some little elementary school kid sitting by themselves at lunch because they don't fit in with the popular kids, and I don't feel sorry for myself. And I know I'm supposed to be here, I just don't belong here. Once I try to explain myself, a lot of people just tune me out like "here we go again, she's just ranting about how much she hates this place." This is where the misunderstanding comes in. And about 98% of the people here think that I'm shy and quiet. The funny thing is, I'm not shy or quiet or reserved anywhere else but here. Anywhere else I go I'm more outgoing, I introduce myself, and I start conversation. Here, I just feel shut up. Like when I want to say something, I feel this overwhelming, forceful something saying, "Shut up". That's why I feel so trapped being here everyday. I can't be myself! No one knows who I am and they have seen me walk these halls for years most likely with an unhappy look on my face. I couldn't count how many times complete strangers have come up to me and asked me if everything was ok. "Are you ok?" Thanks for asking, but I'm fine! What look am I supposed to have on my face when nothing is influencing my facial muscles in a positive way. No one told me something funny, no one came up and talked to me to just chat. I'm basically on a conveyor belt going to my next class. This is why I "hate this school", sure there are a lot of things I disagree with here and think are ridiculous, but that's not why I'm so miserable. No one is reading this that this applies to unfortunately, but for you, the invisible one that is not reading, here's this: Picture yourself in a place (or school) where you have been in the same group of friends since the fourth grade. You are now a senior. Now picture you not having a scrap of anything in common with these people, they don't include you much in conversation, you don't feel that you can really hang out with them outside of school, they are always laughing, but you never are, you might say something but are immediately cut off by someone else that has the crowd's attention, whenever they hang out-you are not there. But. You have found out that the college you will be attending has everything you have been looking for and more. You found two of the best roommates you could get, and your really excited. Now whenever you say "I just want to graduate!" These same classmates roll their eyes and think you are being negative. Again, I don't feel sorry for myself. There is soo much more to live for than highschool. I know that I just have to be patient, and my time will come where I can thrive in the place I belong. It feels good to get all this out, but not good to know that no one of consequence will read it. It almost feels as if it's not worth it anymore. Like I've tried to get along with these people and become friends, but if my efforts haven't stuck for the 9 years I've been here, then what else am I supposed to do? The bell rang. 14 school days left.